The Pressure of the Perfect Holiday: When Romance Isn’t Rekindled
Sorry to have to be the one to say this, but a summer holiday isn’t going to fix your relationship.
The Summer Cure
Every year, as the summer holiday season approaches, there is usually at least one couple I work with who will suggest that all they need is time away to fix their relationship. There is a belief that if they are to go on holiday and suspend their troubles for a week or two in favour of more sunny climes, then their relationship will be restored and they can get on with managing life together again come September.
I’m not denying that a beach can be a great tonic for short-term relief. And for some, their relationship can feel like such a pressure cooker that any relief is better than no relief. But a beach isn’t going to fix things. It may possibly put things on hold, but probably not offer the resolution that is hoped for from time spent in an alternative setting.
This is because, underneath the holiday dream there’s typically something a lot more complicated going on. Often when people in relationships start therapy, they can hope for a magic wand that will wave away the difficulties they’ve been experiencing without having to face them. A holiday is often imbued with that same hope: “If we can just pretend the problems don’t exist, maybe they won’t.” If only that were true. Most often, the difficulties are so entrenched that the holiday spell is broken before most couples even get to the airport.
What a Beautiful Place to Bring the Same Problems
It isn’t as though a break from the old routine isn’t helpful. A new environment can facilitate a new experience of each other. Not having to worry about the washing, the bills, that work deadline etc. can help reduce some of the stress that can build up in everyday life. Research also shows that when couples have new and exciting shared experiences on holiday, it can lead to more romance, satisfaction and even physical intimacy after the trip (Coffey et al., 2024). Similarly Aron et al. (2000) discovered that couples who do stimulating things together tend to be more satisfied with their relationship. So there is important merit in a holiday. Just that it’s not, in itself, a panacea.
Rest is one thing, but repair is something different. It may well be possible to overlook your partner’s irritating habits for a week or two, but beyond that, surrounded by the pressures of daily life, it may be a different story. Much of the time, the things that are annoying at home also tend to be a problem away from home, even if the new location does include a beach and a that book you’re only just finding the time to read. The wish to “just enjoy it” on holiday can mean that disagreements are put down without truly being worked through. This can leave them mounting and adding to resentment that is already entrenched, or in you feeling unheard and unloved.
Resentment Travels Well
Resentment can be rather insidious if left unchecked. On holiday, it can show up in the most innocuous of moments. If someone who wants to plan an excursion while the other wants to relax by the pool, it can awaken a familiar feeling of needs not being acknowledged. If someone feels left to make the dinner plans that the other person simply turns up to, it can create a sense that, once again, the mental load is left to one person. Or if someone thinks time away is a chance to rekindle a sexual relationship, but the other person is looking forward to catching up on sleep, feelings of rejection or abandonment may rear up again. A new setting can’t resolve these familiar fights once the trenches have been dug.
At home, the busyness of life can become a convenient disguise for difficulties. In the normal runnings of life, it can feel as though there simply isn’t time to tend to the hurt with anything of substance. On holiday, the distractions are diminished and the familiar problems have less places to hide. It can make for a sobering return home, now carrying the uncomfortable realisation that the setting wasn’t the main obstacle after all.
When the Holiday Becomes a Verdict on Relational Health
The wish for a holiday to run smoothly may also be loaded with an unspoken test to determine the relational health between a couple. If things go well, it provides evidence that the relationship can survive. But if the same old difficulties come up, then the relationship can feel doomed, confirming that not even a beautiful setting can improve the quality of the relationship.
The pressure for the holiday to perform can mean that every moment holds more meaning that it can carry. When every interaction is a sign of something going well or not, the simple pleasures can start to feel as though they are being stripped away. A lay in can be interpreted as inconsideration for your partner’s time. A sunset stroll by yourself may come to represent wanting time away from your partner. Talking to other people may leave the other person feeling as though they’re not enough. All simple things, but not always with simple meanings.
It can feel like a pressure to have these differences worked out before check-out. Which can mean needing to face the same difficulties in a new setting, or swallow them and feel the holiday hasn’t done what it was meant to do. The problem is, the holiday was never really going to be able to right the wrongs of domestic life. That’s a lot to ask of a beach!
A More Realistic Outlook
A better holiday may begin with a smaller demand. Before a holiday, it may be more useful for a couple to wonder what they are hoping it will rescue them from. A little honesty before departure can protect the trip from being asked to do too much.
Sex, rest, closeness may mean different things to each person. Naming this may be less romantic than waiting for the sunset to fix everything, but it gives the holiday a more realistic chance.
At its best, a holiday gives a couple enough distance from ordinary life to become curious about who they have become. That curiosity is often the beginning of repair, when two people stop asking the setting to change the relationship and begin to wonder what the relationship has been asking of the setting.
Two weeks in the sun can give a couple rest, privacy and perspective. It may also remind them that the life they manage together is not the only version of what or who they are. But it can’t make the avoided conversations disappear, or make good on what has long since felt bad just because the sea is nearby.
A holiday still has worth. It’s most helpful when it’s not seen as a fix, but rather as time for a couple to look at their issues with more honesty and kindness, and understand what they keep packing in their baggage.
References
Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
Coffey, J. K., Shahvali, M., Kerstetter, D., & Aron, A. (2024). Couples vacations and romantic passion and intimacy. Annals of Tourism Research Empirical Insights, 5(1), 100121.